Why Men Pull Away – Top 3 Secrets They Won’t Tell You

Dianne, a friend since high school, was distraught. She bugs me:  why men pull away, even when they say they love her?

 [Learn Why Men Pull Away CLICK HERE ] 

And why men pull away from the relationship after intimacy?

why men pull away- why are they not talking

Why can’t they just talk? Or, simply hold hands?

I gave her a quick, short  answer.

“I got to this site wherein a ‘bad boy’ by the name of  TDubb explained in video how a woman can capture or recapture the man of his dreams, how to keep him committed, and even marry her without resorting to gimmicks or threats.”

So, my short answer to her why men pull away when in love,  was to check out   TDubb’s Girl Gets Ring Video presentation, CLICK HERE  and find out how.

Dianne’s Background

Dianne had two previous relationships which didn’t work out well. Her first was with Bobby. They had one year of passionate relationship. She described it as hot, and cold,  ”tumultuous”,was another descriptor she said.

When Bobby pulled away , Michael came. This time, she learned enough from her previous relationship.  But it didn’t last. They lasted three years, though.

Now, she’s with  Harry, for two years now. But, it appears they are heading in the same direction.

She can’t understand why Harry says he loves her, yet won’t commit to her, or propose to marry her despite the “all” that she has given to him.

Now, at 32, and her biological clock ticking away, she’s frustrated. She even began to have doubts about her self worth. And she’s desperately groping for answers … how she can keep her man.

Video – When men pull away or lose interest …

Six months later, she sent me this video. She appears very happy and fulfilled.

She finally met the man who’d die to be by her side. How did she do it?

Let her do the talking. So short, and sweet!

What was the “top secret” she found out?

My long answer why men pull away …

I started with a contentious bombshell.

In about 80% of the time, how a man loves you has nothing to do with with his willinness to commit to you, or marry you.

Did I hear howls of protests?

Many will agree or disagree with this statement.

Most men will agree, most women won’t.

See, the gender factor alone, tells a lot about how men and women think differently.

Over a cup of Starbucks, I explained to her three secrets men keep close to their hearts.  The funny thing is, most of them are not even aware of this.

Secret #1 – Men process their feelings in their guts, women, in their hearts.

Understanding this is crucial.

A simple solution is to always is to always keep the communication lines open.

Dianne protested.

“But what if he is the one who shuts the line off?”

I answered her with a question.

“Do you think that if he reacts that way, you can keep on keeping up with him?”

Then, I followed it up with this thought.

Men, typically won’t speak up unless they think of you as a confidante who can keep secrets, and not someone who will use the same knowledge to hurt them.

So, another thing to ponder is: how do you become a confidante to him? And in the process, how does he become a confidante to you?

Men have a mission in Life …

This is a very important concept. If there’s only one thins that you must remember, this is it.

Secret #2 – Men have this “mission in life” to fulfill”.

Most men are not conscious about this, but deep in their guts … they want to prove something to themselves. TDubb calls this the “hero avatar”.

This is probably, the primary reason why men won’t move up to next level of commitment.

Even if he’s had “everything” with you, if his gut tells him that you will make his load heavier on his journey to complete his “mission”, he will dilly-dally, or keep on vacillating.

So unless that he sees you and feels deep inside him, that you are THE ONE  who would lighten up his load and help him reach his “mission” in life … chances are that  he’d still pull away.

The Real Him

Secret #3 – Men are really soft inside, and they too, want to be loved for the “real him”, warts and all.

This is tricky.

At the start of any relationship, when men start to strut around you – they will usually put their best “mask” forward.

Men may buy you expensive gifts, and invite you to expensive dinners.  Men will want to impress you to get your attention.

But, if you already have given him your attention, and reciprocated your interest in him, he will then start to think about showing or revealing the real him for you.

The problem is, he may not yet be comfortable about this.

If he feels safe and trusts you enough, he will. If not, he will continue to wear his mask.

This question bugs him: What if you reject him?

So, if you keep on expecting that you go to fancy restaurants, be given fancy gifts, and fancy everything … he may start to think that you fancy him only because of the fancy things he can give.

This is a “yellow” light that may lead to a “red” light.

What to do?

When you eat out, offer to pay the bill. He will refuse this 95% of the time.

But, if you insist, and even “intercept” the bill … you send him a different signal that it’s not the “fancy” things that you like in him.

An easier thing to do is encourage him to take you to the less expensive restaurants in the likes of McDonald’s, Taco Bell, or Carl’s Jr. Or, suggest gifts that are meaningful yet not expensive.

Or time alone, when you can be intimate without necessary being physical.

It is  important that you  make him feel that it is “him”, that you really fancy. And not the fancy things that he gives you, which seldom lasts anyway.

This way, you are telling him that you like the “real him”.

Secret #4 – How not to make your man pull away …

Finally, I told her that there is a fourth one.

“A fourth one?”

Yes I said. Not only 4, but more!

You see, men, are like women. They are a complex creature.

“If you are really interested”, I said, “to understand men, and get the man you’d like to live with, and be married with in bliss till death do you apart”, I continued, “then, do your future family a favor.”

“What is it?”, she looked at me in anticipation.

Go to this free presentation by TDubb, and get his “Girl Gets Ring” system, Click Here.

If for whatever reason, you think that it is not helpful … you can easily return it, “ala-Amazon”.

Summary- Top 3 Secrets Why Men Pull Away

1.  Men want to be able to open up their deepest and most sacred thoughts to their girls “chaff and grain” together without getting “busted”.

2. Men have a “mission in life”. It’s up to you to make him feel that you can make his journey lighter. Or, heavier.

3. Men want to be loved and appreciated for the real him, and not the “mask” or front, that they wear.

When  Men Pull Away – Action You Can Take Now

Go to this free video training  training   and learn how capture your dream man, and make him feel glad, proud, and loved, you did. This  video could be taken down without notice.

Learn Why Men Pull Away
CLICK HERE 

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Why Men Cheat – 5 Top Causes

Infidelity is a major cause of breakups. The question why men cheat has been asked a million times by a million women, and answers and solutions have been prof erred.

[Beat Them Men Cheaters Up! Learn How - CLICK HERE]

Yet the phenomenon persists. Men still cheat. And, women do, too!

Nea Joy presents her analysis why men cheat, and presents her solutions how to keep them from turning left.

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat and How to Keep Your Man Faithful

Author: Nea Joy

In marriages and committed relationships, most of us expect the obvious: commitment. Unfortunately, even after vowing to forsake all others, many people cheat. Countless studies and real life experiences tell us that men are more likely to cheat than women. That’s no big secret! However, the reasons why men cheat remain a mystery to most of us.

Well, there’s some good news: There are some things you can do to help keep your man from cheating on you. The key is to understand the answer to the question, “Why do men cheat?”

Before you read this list of reasons why men cheat, let’s make one thing clear. If your man cheats on you, it is not your fault. It is ultimately his responsibility to keep “it” in his pants. These tips on how to keep your man from cheating on you can simply help you to help him do what he should do anyway.

With that disclaimer out of the way, lets move on to look at some of the reasons why men cheat.

Reasons Why Men Cheat

1. Immaturity

For the immature man, cheating is often the result of a lack of self control and a sense of entitlement. He may feel that he deserves multiple women, thus he doesn’t even try to be a loyal husband or boyfriend.

Such a man may cheat on his wife or girlfriend no matter what she says or does. He is too immature and irresponsible to understand (or even care) about the damaging effects of his infidelity. He’s also not man enough to admit his unwillingness to commit, thus you’ll have to catch him red-handed. The only tip for a woman who’s dating Mr. Immature is to “kick him to the curve.” This guy is an STD-risk and a threat to your emotional well-being. Don’t waste your time.

2. Feelings of Inadequacy

Another of the reasons men cheat because they feel insecure or somehow inadequate. Although they may not tell you that they need to hear words of validation, many men secretly yearn for it. A guy who is usually faithful may be tempted to cheat on you if he’s feeling inadequate. A bit of flattering attention from another woman may stroke his ego in a way that he finds simply irresistible. Don’t leave this hole in your relationship.

If your man seems macho, confident, or even cocky, it’s still a good idea to let him know what you love about him. Don’t wait on another woman to come along and tell him the all the things he’s dying to hear. If you like the way he looks or smells, tell him. If he’s a good provider and protector, tell him.

For some men, the feelings of inadequacy are so out of control that no amount of ego stroking will keep him from cheating on you. This type of man uses multiple women to distract him from his extreme insecurities. It’s important for you to remember that you can only do so much. If you do your best to show him that you admire and appreciate him, the rest is up to him.

3. The Challenge

Many men love a challenge-a bit of a chase. When a woman seems unattainable, she is interesting. When she is not giving in to him, making him work for her affections, she captivates him. Men who love a challenge will get bored quickly with an easy, spineless woman.

If you’re a “Yes girl” once you’re in a committed relationship, this may be a recipe for infidelity. By not giving in to his every whim, you can keep a man interested and prevent him from cheating. Make sure he knows that, although you love him, you will not be walked on. Let him know that he will always have to be diligent in order to keep you. A strong, confident woman is very interesting and attractive to most men. Be that woman so he doesn’t cheat on you in order to find her.

4. Sexual Frustration

Most women assume that the reason men cheat is just for the sex. That’s usually not the whole story, but sexual frustration can be a factor. As time passes in relationships, the quantity (or quality) of sex may change. He wants sex-you have a headache. He wants sex-you’re too tired. He wants sex-you unenthusiastically give in. He wants oral sex-you’re not into that.

Men naturally think about sex more than most women and suppressing their desires is extremely difficult. Blame the testosterone for that. If you don’t want your husband or boyfriend to feed his sexual urges with other women, reduce the chances of this happening by keeping him satisfied. Have your hormones checked if your libido is extremely low. Don’t just dismiss the notion that a healthy sex life is important to prevent infidelity.

When it comes to sex in relationships, it’s not all about how often you do it. Even if you have sex everyday, sexual frustration can arise when you and your man aren’t interested in the same types of sexual acts.

It’s best to find out early on what a man likes sexually; therefore, you can pass on the relationship opportunity if you are not sexually compatible. If you’re sexually conservative, don’t bother getting involved with a man who loves anal sex, role play, BDSM, or other non-traditional forms of pleasure. Choose a man whose needs you are willing to satisfy-and do it. If you wait until post-commitment to tell him that you’re not open to his favorite sexual acts, he’ll become so sexually frustrated that it will be hard to keep him from cheating on you.

5. Escape from Reality

Passion, fire, and excitement abound in new relationships. Unfortunately, a lot of this dwindles away after getting married, having kids, or remaining in a long-term relationship. Unfortunately, one of the reasons men cheat is that those magical sparks stop flying. This is especially common when couples begin to have kids. Instead of long vacations, nights on the town, and frequent sex, life becomes all about dirty diapers, temper tantrums and extra stress. This is a bad time to add the trauma of infidelity to the problems in a relationship, but some men seek to escape the reality of their changing lives.

To keep your man faithful as life changes so drastically, keep the communication channels open. Discuss the changes that you’re facing and how you both plan to deal with them. Furthermore, do not let life become completely about work, kids, and household chores. Your marriage or relationship should also be a top priority and it is important that you make it so. Schedule date nights, talk openly and continually relight the flame between you two. No matter how you choose to do it, remember to show the man you love that your life with him is an equally important part of your reality.

In addition to cheating, there are many reasons that relationships fail. You can’t possibly get all the answers from one article. I hope you’ll check out RelationshipSaga.com for more information on how to fix your relationship problems before it’s too late.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/5-reasons-why-men-cheat-and-how-to-keep-your-man-faithful-3611768.html

About the Author

Nea Joy is the founder of Law of Attraction based self-help blog, Self Improvement Saga, and the relationship advice website, Relationship Saga.  She specializes in teaching the art of joyful living through personal growth, healthy relationships, and deliberate use of the Universal Law of Attraction. Enhance your life today by visiting http://self-improvement-saga.com for free articles, tips, newsletters, and much more.

Ms. Joy cites being a strong women as a factor that keeps him in “check”. She also dismisses immature and irresponsible men.  When it comes sex, she insists on compatibility and respect. When it comes to “spark”, she insists on excitement and communication as a cementing factor.

Her views on sex may not suit well people who live in societies which are as not open as the western culture. Whatever someone’s views are — sex happens. Just look at the internet.

To cite just one factor on how to keep your man faithful and prevent him from cheating — it is in the women’s strength, and how she shows it, and asserts it.

So cheating men, beware of the strong woman! (She’ll beat you up! :) )

Why Men Cheat- Here’s  What You Can Do and Be NOT a Victim

You can learn valuable tips and skills in this free video presentation that teaches you how to make your man not to even think about cheating, and  commit to you willingly, gladly, and even marry you!

Beat Them Men Cheaters Up! Learn How
CLICK HERE

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Guy Pulls Away – Why oh why!
Why Men Pull Away, Top 3 Secrets
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Why Men Cheat – 5 Top Causes

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Guy Pulls Away – Why oh why!

When a guy pulls away, would you know why?

Probably not. You may have speculations, but unless you talk to him and he becomes truthful, I doubt.

[ When Guys Pull Away, Follow This Formula - CLICK HERE ] 

So, the best cure is always prevention.

Kathy on this article reveals 3 things that she thinks she did that made his guy pull away the last time.

Why a Guy Pulls Away – 3 Things You Must Do to Keep Him From Pulling Away - by Kathy

So you found the guy of your dreams and you’ve been in a relationship with him for quite awhile. You know he loves you and you’re ready to get married. He hasn’t popped the question yet and you feel as if he never will.

Using threats out of desperation is like committing relationship suicide. Women that continue to use threats must believe there’s a good reason, (especially if they’ve been in a long relationship) but then they wonder why a guy pulls away.

They want marriage so badly, that making threats is a common issue. Women who force demands on their guy don’t realize the pressure they are putting him under, so therefore he terminates the relationship. By giving your guy a now-or-never ultimatum will cause him to pack his bags and run. There are 3 things you must do to keep him from pulling away.

1-Don’t be over-bearing- Men think they are the stronger of the sex. They don’t want to be told what to do. They express their feeling in a different way than women. They want to make their own decisions in their own time without someone pushing them. Be patient and caring. If they sense you are trying to push them and are over-bearing, they will hold back their true feelings.

They love their gal, but they can only take so much before they pull out. You need to understand his feelings and concerns which will bring him closer to you. By giving him some slack will make him more comfortable with you. Deep down inside, he wants you for his wife, but he is testing the waters because he knows a commitment is for life.

2-Show him the real you- Some women think by pretending to be what they’re not, will impress a guy. It’s quite the opposite. Men love a woman who is real and natural and doesn’t pretend or lie. If he catches you in a lie, he will never trust you. Love and marriage are based on trust. So be yourself and be totally honest with him. He will love you for it.

Women in a relationship get caught with their pretenses and their guy can sense that. If that happens, he will pull away. Remember, he is looking for marriage material, but he isn’t going to tell you that.

Although he is watching your actions and desires, he isn’t aware of it. He puts up his guard and it’s up to you to tear it down. Stay sharp and focused on his actions and don’t give him a reason to doubt your love or trust.

3-Your First Impression- Your first impression is on your first date and that’s when the seed starts to grow. Guys love to impress a new girlfriend making them think he is financially successful. He wants her to like him and he knows money is the way to steal her heart. The problem is that after awhile he gets caught up in his own game.

Women let their guy buy them expensive gifts, go to fancy restaurants and will accept what their boyfriend offers. Now he feels trapped and is to proud to tell her he can’t keep spending all this money. When he feels trapped, he will walk away. Most women don’t realize what they’re doing, so they wonder why their guy pulled away.

If he starts buying you expensive gifts, don’t accept them. After a couple times of taking you to a fancy restaurant, you pick a cheap restaurant. If you truly love him, you won’t care where he takes you. Offer to fix dinner at your house or apartment (or his). That way he can see how good of a cook you are as a future wife. He may very well have lots of money, but act as though he doesn’t. If he thinks you want him for his money and not for him, he will know it and leave the relationship.

You must follow these 3 tips to keep him from pulling away. Be patient and let his love grow for you. If you do, he will eventually ask you to marry him. Don’t be like so many women that wonder why a guy pulls away . You have a wonderful life ahead of you with the guy of your dreams. Just follow your heart and heed the advice in this article.

About the Author

I was in a relationship where my guy eventually pulled away. I was over-bearing, making threats and giving him ultimatums and then he pulled away. I was really hurt. I realized after I lost him what I had done.

Then I found this guy who has been a relationship specialist for 16 years. He has a training video and tons of advice that got me on the right track. So when I finally met the guy of my dreams, I followed the advice from T’Dub’s video and training. My my guy did commit and we are now happily married.

Go to: www.KeepaGuy.info and watch T’Dub’s video and see how to get your guy to pop the question without using threats or ultimatums.

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When A Guy Pulls Away – here’s what you can do to prevent it

Kathy followed the teachings of this guy on the video behind the “click”. Find out to how to keep your from guy pulling away.

Learn valuable tips and skills in this free video presentation that teaches you how to make your man commit to you willingly, gladly, even marry you!

When Guys Pull Away, Follow This Formula – CLICK HERE

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Why Men Pull Away, Top 3 Secrets

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What Do Men Want In Relationships

Do men want in relationships, always sex?

[Find Out What Men Want In Relationships CLICK HERE]

As a man myself,  my answer is Yes…

BUT … Not only that. :)

Here’s a very enlightening article that gives women great clues that men not only want sex in relationships, but a lot,lot more.

What Do Men Want in Relationships?
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=A_Aaron]A Aaron

Have you ever wondered why men seem to want you one day, then wants more “space” the next? Ever wondered why most men find it hard to commit? These and many other questions plaque the minds of many women today – just what do men want in relationships?

The surprising thing is that what men want in relationships are pretty much the same things that women want. Here are some of the things men want, and why:

#1 – Men want freedom.

When a man first enters the dating game, he’s in it for the fun. He’s out to meet new women and make new friends, and finding someone to marry is probably the last thing on his mind. He’s enjoying his life to the hilt, and still loves many aspects of his single life — his hobbies, his friends, his career.

A stigma of relationships today is the idea that once you get into a relationship, you lose your freedom to do the things you used to enjoy. This is precisely why many men are uncomfortable being in a relationship and living under its “rules.” But what most people don’t realize is that it’s still possible to enjoy your freedom while sharing it with someone you love.

So the best tip you can remember to ensure his freedom is this: Don’t be too clingy. As the popular song goes, “Everybody needs a little time away from each other.” Let him enjoy his time, and do the same every now and then.

#2 – Men want enjoyment.

The reason why most men space out of their relationships is because they simply don’t find it fun anymore. This could either be because their girlfriends try to ask for too much attention, or talk about too many problems, or simply aren’t any fun to be with. Do you like the idea of spending the rest of your life with someone so negative? Exactly.

To make the relationship a happier place for him (and you), learn to be in total control of your emotions, instead of being a slave to them. This doesn’t mean you’ll need to filter out all the negative emotions, but instead of letting them rule you, acknowledge them and move on. And always try to bring positive, enjoyable things to the table in the relationship.

#3 – Men want independent women.

Let’s face it — too many women today think of themselves too much. They depend on their friends, their money, and their boyfriends to stay happy. But you’ll be surprised at how being able to stand on your own two feet is a very irresistible quality to have. Men love being with independent women, simply because independent women are a rarity these days.

It may sound hard, but it’s always possible to tweak your personality to be more free, more enjoyable, and more independent. It’s all a man wants in a relationship!

Find out the [http://www.datingquestionsforwomen.com/the-ten-most-dangerous-mistakes-you-probably-make-with-men-and-what-to-do-about-it]ten most dangerous mistakes you probably make with men – and what you can do about it.

Visit http://www.datingquestionsforwomen.com for more relationship advice.

Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?What-Do-Men-Want-in-Relationships?&id=2563130] What Do Men Want in Relationships?

Of the 3 things Aaron cited, I cite independent women as the most attractive. Men face it. We want a strong woman. A woman who can carry the cudgels when we cannot.

If you are reading this and only need to remember one thing, this is it:  strength.

That’s one trait men want in relationships. (Other than sex? :) )

What men want in relationships – here’s what you can do.

You can learn valuable tips and skills in this free video presentation that generally teaches what your man want in your relationship.

Find Out What Men Want In Relationships
CLICK HERE

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When Men Withdraw – So Be It?

Is it just right when men withdraw, and we let them be?

[When Men Withdraw, Know Why CLICK HERE]

It is  a common occurrence in relationships that a man (or a woman) suddenly withdraws, asking for “space”, and you’re left in a shell not understanding what is happening.

In this article, Katherine shares what she does and will do, if her man suddenly pulls away.

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What To Do When Men Withdraw and Suddenly ‘Need Their Space’
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Breanne_Katherine]Breanne Katherine

Has your man suddenly gotten distant and your not sure why or what may have triggered his frustrations?

Has he stopped talking to you quite as often or does it seem as though he lacks interest during the time he has to spend with you?

The reasoning behind why a man might withdraw from a relationship is varied and subject to several cause and effect scenarios.

However, the majority of the time – most men withdraw from relationships either because they are no longer interested, do not feel appreciated, have lost their own self-respect, or a mixture of all the above.

In order to gauge where your man is at and why he is suddenly withdrawing from the relationship, you’ll need to do a little research. Try to understand what is going on in his mind by having a conversation with him and reading his body language.

Do not assume that your relationship is or was solid. Open communication needs to be a must for any relationship to achieve long-term success. Without it, pent-up emotions and feelings will one day release a negative explosion, which isn’t always healthy for either of you.

Be sure that from the very beginning of the relationship, you are both open and honest with each other. Express your feelings, emotions, worries, concerns, fears, ideas, and desires on a consistent basis.

Also make sure that you consider his in return. If you make an attempt to put his priorities in front of your own, you will see a drastic change in his desire to do the same; thus, inevitably getting what you want and deserve from the relationship.

By exuding empathy and support with what he fears and worries over, you will create a trusting bond that allows him to confide in you. By sharing in your understanding together, the two of you will create a long and lasting relationship.

The two of you are a team – by choosing to be in a relationship together, you have ultimately decided that you will share, support, and burden each others wants, fears, and desires as a unit.

You may not agree with some of the choices he makes and vice versa, but as long as they are reasonable and remain faithful, there should be nothing the two of you can’t work through together.

Patience is another major factor in achieving the kind of relationship you have always dreamed about.

No relationship is perfect, they all take practice and consistency.

However with a little time, the two of you will eventually learn how to handle and accomplish hundreds of incredible feats you wouldn’t have had the opportunity of experiencing if either of you were single.

If your man claims that he needs his space, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It could potentially mean just that – that he needs a little space to recuperate and feel like himself before he decides what to do with his love life.

It doesn’t have to mean that he is dumping you and moving right on to the next girl he finds. He is probably simply seeking some alone time to gather his thoughts and figure out what he truly wants.

The best way to handle this kind of situation is to respect it. If you fight and beg for him to change his mind it will only make him resent you, and probably have him leaving for good – don’t do this!

Instead, tell him that you disagree with his choice (if you do) but you are willing to wait for him if he chooses to change his mind. Assure him that you are always available to talk and remind him quickly how much you will always care for him, either way he goes.

Give him something to really ponder over – don’t let his last impression of you to make his choice with, be one of the two of you screaming and arguing with each other.

Make it a memory that he will want to come back to, one that will make him feel ridiculous for ever having to ‘need his space’ to begin with.

How?

Pay Very Close Attention Here -

On The Next Page, You Will Discover Very Rare & Psychological Tricks Which Will Give You The Ultimate Power To Attract any Man, Make Him Fall In Love, & Get Him To Commit To You & Only You, Forever – Click Here! [http://theguymagnet.us]

Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?What-To-Do-When-Men-Withdraw-and-Suddenly-Need-Their-Space&id=6432903] What To Do When Men Withdraw and Suddenly ‘Need Their Space’

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She says that  when men withdraws, it usually is a loss in interest, either in the relationship, or in his ability to sustain a relationship. That communication is a must.

And most importantly,  leave him a loving impression that he is losing a big thing if he does not realize the love and value that you hold for him.

When men withdraw – here’s what you can do.

Become a better person.  You can learn valuable tips and skills in this free video presentation that teaches you how to make your man commit to you willingly, gladly, even marry you!

When Men Withdraw, Know Why
CLICK HERE

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Know the signs when men pull away

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When Men Pull Away, Be Wiser

Know the signs when men pull away

Sometimes, we are not sure when men pull away from us. It’s hard to read minds.

[ When Men Pull Away - Be Wiser, Click Here ] 

However, there are resources we can cite to confirm, or debunk if our man is pulling away from us.

Here is such an article.

When Men Pull Away – Top Three Signs That He Is Pulling Away
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Alyssa_A._H]Alyssa A. H

You are probably reading this article because you get that sneaky feeling that your boyfriend is pulling away from you or being distant.

You are not one hundred per cent sure because let’s face it, you may be over reacting but one thing you do know is that something has changed and you need to get to the bottom of it.

If there is one thing I have learnt is that when you think that something is off, very often you are right!

So let’s go through the top three signs that will clue you in on whether or not your boyfriend is pulling away from you.

1. He spends a lot less time with you now than he did before and he tells you that he is busy as his excuse as to why you two are spending little time together.

So in other words, if you two were seeing each other four or five times a week, you are barely seeing him once or twice now.

When you do see him, the conversation is not as free flowing and it seems as though his mind is elsewhere. His body is there but his mind clearly is not.

In addition, it doesn’t seem like it is even that big of a deal that you two aren’t seeing each other as often. He just does not seem to care.

What the heck? Doesn’t he miss you at all? This is definitely a sign to monitor.

2. He doesn’t call you as often as he used to and again it doesn’t seem like he even misses hearing your voice.

When you call him, he is always too busy to have a real meaningful conversation with you and you always feel as though he is leaving you hanging.

If anything, this is one of the most important signs to take note of.

Does it seem as though you have unfinished business with him, like if a door is always being closed in your face without you being able to express yourself or spend time being with him or talking with him?

3. He doesn’t make plans in advance like he did before.

When you two first started seeing each other, he made plans way in advance. This, as you know, is one of the signs that a guy is interested in you and wants to impress you with all of the fancy places he can take you. He wants to make sure that you two do exciting things together.

So when he starts to get downright lazy and nonchalant about what you two are doing and when, that is a clear sign that he is taking a big step back from the relationship and his commitment to you!

These are three of the main signs that your boyfriend is pulling back from you. Even one of these in isolation signals that there may be a problem in your relationship that needs a speedy solution of some type. For more signs that your guy may be pulling away from you, click on the link below to visit my blog!

Find out why a guy will pull away from the woman he loves if he is not ready to get married here at http://www.committedrelationship.blogspot.com Why is your man pulling away from you?

Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?When-Men-Pull-Away---Top-Three-Signs-That-He-Is-Pulling-Away&id=7091216] When Men Pull Away – Top Three Signs That He Is Pulling Away

In summary,  Alyssa is telling us that if he spends less time, calls less, and plans less than before, he may be starting to pull away .

Heck, why don’t you confront him and hear it from?

When Men Pull Away – What You Can Do

Learn the ways of the man. Man is a complex being.  I suggest you hear this free training video on how you make your man commit to you gladly, willingly, even marry you!

When Men Pull Away – Be Wiser, Click Here

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3 Ways to Simplify Money When She Makes More

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

WSMM-COVER-HIGH-RES

This is a guest post from Farnoosh Torabi.

If you earn more than your husband, you’re more likely to be the primary decision-maker on money matters and take charge of things like paying bills, budgeting, saving, and planning for retirement. That’s all according to my academic survey of over 1,000 women conducted with Dr. Brad Klontz, a financial psychologist.

While that is something to be proud of, such an arrangement could be asking for trouble. After all, a sense of equity between two committed people is important, even if there’s an income disparity.

I can relate to this in my own relationship. When my husband Tim and I first got engaged and began planning our wedding, I was definitely the one who took the reins. Admittedly, I wasn’t the best at delegating but, at the same time, he felt a tad awkward offering suggestions and providing input.

I told him – and used these words, exactly, “I feel very alone on this island of When She Makes More.” It’s no fun researching and making all the decisions and then worrying I may have made the wrong choices…and if I do, it’ll only be my fault. We need to share in this, no matter whose income is greater, I explained.

When we spoke about it he completely agreed. He kept quiet, he said, because he trusted me enough to know I wouldn’t make any super irrational choices (like the $500 dinner place cards)…but also admitted to feeling uncomfortable at times about speaking up and actively participating because of our income disparity.

I was relieved and thankful when we had that conversation. As with so many issues stemming from finances, our troubles had little to do with the money. The issue was finding a way to acknowledge and better manage our emotions.

From there, we decided Tim would completely take over certain portions of the wedding planning: picking and paying for the band, tent vendor and charities (in lieu of party favors). This lightened my load of to-dos enormously and offered Tim more substantial accountability, something I discuss is incredibly important in my book, When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women. You don’t want to just ask for his “help.” You must let him step up and take ownership of entire domains and tasks. It sends the message: “You matter. Your income and opinions about our finances matter.” It’s something he may need your help embracing.

A few more steps that are equally as critical towards harmony and leveling the financial – and emotional playing fields – include:

1. Establish long-term priorities and short-term schedules. If he wants to feel involved and on par with you financially, he needs to roll up his sleeves and commit to some of the dirty work like paying bills, balancing the budget, and paying attention to potential investments for your retirement accounts. First, make sure to get on the same financial page and agree to goals so that there’s no miscommunication. Once you both have a clear picture of the finances, figure out together how you want to delegate money.

2. Decide who will manage the bulk of the finances. While every breadwinning woman would do well to monitor finances, that doesn’t mean you have to manage it all, too. While neither of you may enjoy managing the family checkbook, it does make sense to delegate money management to the person who is more interested, better organized, or is simply more frugal. Either way, both research and anecdotal evidence shows that couples have to make a decision about which one controls the finances not based on income or gender, and that whoever makes the financial decisions consult with their spouse. Otherwise you risk turning the other person off in more ways than one.

3. Make decisions by committee. That means asking for help from your man when you need it, agreeing to compromise, and admitting when you’re in over your head. I do this A LOT in my relationship. It’s not easy for a breadwinning wife to admit her weaknesses or ask for help, but it’s essential. It’s enough to just sometimes call or text and say, “Hey, can we afford this? Should we buy this? Is it worth it? What do you think?” It’s critical to admit when you don’t know something. It allows your better half to have his voice heard—and, quite possibly, save your financial behind.

Farnoosh Torabi is a personal finance expert and upcoming author of When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women (Hudson Street Press, May 1). Pre-order a copy of her book and receive numerous gifts and be entered to win one of several prizes including lunch with Farnoosh and a visit to the NBC Today Show! Just click here

3 Ways to Simplify Money When She Makes More is written by guest from: Simple Marriage

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Source:3 Ways to Simplify Money When She Makes More

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Celebrating the Beginning

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

“So many fail because they don’t get started – they don’t go.  They don’t overcome inertia.  They don’t begin.”  -W. Clement Stone

 

hand2 Starting things is hard. It explains why so many great ideas go unrealized.  To begin, you have to become comfortable with the discomfort of the unknown, to embrace the truth that even the best laid plans often don’t hold up to the uncertainty and chaos that accompanies the process of making a start.  Relationships are especially fragile in the space of beginning and often the people you believe would be beside you at every step fall away and people you may not have even known come forward to guide you at moments when everything seems lost. Likewise, the process of identifying roles and assigning responsibilities takes both patience and flexibility. The beginning offers a clean slate on learning how to relate, and the leadership that emerges from striking a delicate balance of direction and freedom is both inspired and inspiring.

The idea of Positive Community Cures (PCC) began for me with the Positive Change Club that I have been working on for the last three years at South Eugene High School. Our student club’s mission was to create a lasting positivity memorial after the tragic deaths of two classmates in 2011. The purpose of the club activities were to celebrate and illuminate the positive spirit of all the kids. Over the years we did a lot of heavy lifting,  moving a wheelbarrow at a time, thousands of tons of cement and gravel. At all our meetings and work days  I would feed the club members homemade soups, breads,  and endless amounts of watermelon,  and I came to understand how food bonds a community.  The teens didn’t just come for the food, but sharing the food made us family. At the same time, I began teaching cancer patients about the healing power of intimacy in their lives. These projects merged when I met a local naturopathic oncologist who confirmed for me the wide range of support services that were lacking for cancer patients and their families.  She introduced me to The Ceres Project in Northern California and we immediately saw the huge potential of bringing a version of this project to the Eugene/Springfield area.

Having a model of success for a new project is priceless and we couldn’t have asked for a better mentoring program than what we have received by being one of the first affiliates of The Ceres Project.  They were inspired to share the shining success of their program founded on the rich development of hundreds of teen chefs, thousands of community volunteer hours, and the production and delivery of tens of tens of thousands of healing meals for cancer patients and their families. Over the 7 years of its growth, Ceres has become a  hub of community building for their region, as well as an essential educational resource.  Coming home from the training visit in Sonoma county, we were in equal measures  breathless with anticipation and inspiration, as well as overwhelmed by the complexity of the process and size of the task. Over the last year, we have created the legal structure for the non-profit, filed for tax exempt status and built our own board made up of positive-minded, creative, and connected problem solvers. By October we had found a home for our first big donation, the 6 door refrigerator that once belonged to a luxury chocolatier in the Stellaria building’s community incubator kitchen in downtown Eugene.

As we approach the anniversary of our visit to Ceres,  we have logged hundreds of hours of  teen and adult volunteer time in the Positive Community Cures kitchen and we are producing  over 100 healing meals for cancer patients and their families every week.  Our proactive, hands-on board members are managing committee meetings for everything from kitchen planning to fundraising to volunteer coordination and the word is starting to spread.  Every week we receive offers from people who want to participate and contribute.  We have a dozen teen chefs in training who are learning not only the basics of creating healing foods but more importantly the difference they can make to help people heal from life threatening illness.

Being in the kitchen is a magical and joyful experience with teens and adults working together, side by side,  to extend support and healing to people who need it most.  Positive Community Cures is a replica of how communities used to work, in barn raisings and when people fell sick. Getting back to our roots of healing each other with food is in our genetic code. It is what makes us deeply human and it heals the chefs as much as it does those who are struggling to heal.

We invite you to begin with us. Call or email if you want to start some magic in your life.  It will surprise you with the often unknown treasure of building loving community.

Source:Celebrating the Beginning

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SMR: Second Marriages

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

smr-logo The divorce rate remains around the 50% mark.

Yet, marriage continues to be important to society.

And the fact is, second marriages have a greater chance of not lasting than first marriages.

One of the goals of Simple Marriage is to lower the divorce rate. Our hope is that your current marriage lasts your entire life.

Recently, Shannon and I did an episode of Sexy Marriage Radio on this subject.

SMR: Second Marriages is written by Corey from: Simple Marriage

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Source:SMR: Second Marriages

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Heart Guardians

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

foggy “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”-Buddha

 

Our first response to rejection of any kind is usually shame. It comes out looking like anger and a story of betrayal. It is hard for even the most emotionally balanced among us to not experience our most deeply ingrained fears of unworthiness when someone we have valued walks away and shuts a door on our heart. I have been steeped in these kinds of interactions recently and I have come to believe that these painful exchanges are the opportunity for the deepest transformative shifts in our thinking and why Carl Jung once wrote “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” Moving beyond our defensive posturing and even the legitimate excuses about relationship failures to attending to the heart of our own worthiness to be loved is the only cure.

How we hold ourselves when other people walk away from us can be the silver lining of relationship endings. But too often we aren’t willing to do the hard work of feeling where the weight of that pain resides in us. Instead, we get stuck, carrying around other people’s judgments of us and then having to figure out how to shield ourselves from this unhealthy residue left inside of us. This is the root of a lot of physical ailments- from weight gain, to anxiety disorders to chronic health conditions. The effort to silence our pain requires so much attention and, like a dog at our heels, continues to attract more relationships to us which confirm our worst fears about ourselves.

Actually there is no more potent time to make peace with our fears of not being good enough or loveable enough than the moments when relationships that probably were not working the way you wanted them to come to an end. We get to look at the many ways we have misattributed our needs and projected our desires onto other people, believing that their approval or acceptance or willingness to see us would heal the broken places we all carry. For years after I married my husband I was shocked and indignant that his love was not enough to cure all of the pain I brought in to the marriage from my youth. I was unreasonably angry with him for not filling all of the empty places in the way that Disney movies prepared me in their version of true love.   Most surprising of all are the ways that these erroneous patterns have persisted in other relationships, continually longing for other people to heal a space that only we ourselves ever have access to. The truth is that we can never participate in relationships with others more deeply than we do with ourselves.

It was in meditation practice that I first glimpsed the possibility of healing and loving myself in this way. I was spending a lot of time on heart meditations at the time, really trying to feel inside to the physical and metaphysical heart center of the body. The more attention I focused there the more that space became both a visceral and mental resting space for me. Once when I was in there, I encountered a much younger version of myself who had been waiting for me to look at her for decades. She had a lot to tell me about how I continued to punish her for the pain she endured as a little girl. I wept and held her and something huge opened in that space. Over the years I have continued to go in and find more of these disembodied younger versions of myself who have been stuck carrying the unresolved and un-forgiven pieces of my history.

Now I think of these earlier versions of myself as the true guardians of my heart and with 100% reliability I find that when something is really off in my world or I have been left feeling abandoned in a relationship, there is a young version of myself waiting there, needing to be heard and seen and loved. Relationship endings are the world’s invitation to heal our deepest relationship to our self. They provide the chance to undo the past in the present, because often we were not capable of understanding and healing the original injury when we were younger. So while we may never celebrate the painful space of relationship endings, let’s at least not hide from the healing waiting to happen inside of us.

 

Source:Heart Guardians

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Positivity Again: Second Life

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

deadsea I have been feeling the resurrection myth coming to life lately.  Since my father’s passing, my relationship to him has completely transformed. There is a kindness and gentleness that has not been there in decades.  I discovered a box of old photos in his home when I was cleaning it out that he had never shared with me from his childhood. It is easy to get lost in the black and white images of him as a baby being washed by his mother, my grandma who I loved dearly, and of his baby sister who died as a toddler. My own sons have such a strong resemblance to him that I never saw before and I am strikingly so much my grandmother.

I don’t know what prevented my father from sharing these photos with me and I am wistful, wishing I knew more about who this person was or the names of my great grandparents who were continuously in his life throughout his childhood, one time he sits on a pony, another time at a dinner, another time outside my grandfather’s drug store.   How did I never learn their names? And my grandmother, just 21 when my father was born and then facing so much sadness and grief in her young life, losing her daughter as a baby.

I had heard these stories over the years like a broken record playing, they had no depth for me, just the same story told in angry prose about a grandma who I loved so much. My father blamed his mother for all the things that went wrong in what looked like a happy childhood. He looked happy in all the pictures I see. He looked like he belonged to a family that loved him.  He cut himself off from his family and although it looked like he grew up in abundance, somehow this did not translate to him in his adult life.

This is odd, considering that he was a successful investor. He just never believed he had enough.  Now I am able to alter this perception with all that his hard work has left behind. And I have a renewed relationship to my grandmother as well, witnessing her in her youth and young adulthood, surrounded by family and friends. I see myself in this big tribe, not isolated and lonely like the life my father’s choices created.

I once read this story about how we all die twice.  The first death is the one we think of, when we leave our body on earth.  The story goes that we go up to this café where we stay until our name is not uttered again, until we are no longer remembered, when we leave and go onto to our second death. Our life is recreated on earth during that time between our first and second death through the essence of who we were and how that lives on in the people who knew us, who we touched.  How we loved makes us into another version of ourselves long after we have taken our last step on earth.

Source:Positivity Again: Second Life

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The Art of Contentment

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

growing A majority of struggle in married life is in our head.

We wonder why we can’t find time to connect with loved ones because we’re caught up in our to do lists, or struggling with an inadequacy, or striving to create a life like we see other’s living in their Facebook feed.

This struggle is normal … as it is part of the process of becoming. It’s the path to creating a more solid, flexible self. Someone who knows who they are and is comfortable in their own skin.

A great step forward in this process is to learn the art of contentment.

Contentment is not easy – it’s something that must be developed and learned over time. It’s actually more like a lifelong process of developing.

The best formula for creating contentment -

  • Don’t compete
  • Don’t complain
  • Don’t compare

Let’s break this down even further.

Compete. What does competing do to a woman and how she views herself (and how her husband views her)? There are many things competing for your attention each day. For your time. For your energy.

But what (and who) do you compete against? Do you find yourself competing for affection from your husband? Or competing for acceptance from those around you?

By becoming aware of the areas you compete you’ll better see your areas for growth because you often compete out of some feeling of inadequacy or shortcoming. While there may be some truth to the feeling (you may in fact be a little overweight or growing older), it’s blown way out of proportion when you compete against something/somone else.

Address the things you control. Let go of everything else.

You can’t change the fact that years, and children, take a toll on your physical body. But you’re also a more mature, full grown woman when you’re in your 40s and beyond than you were in your 20s. You have much more to offer and give due to your growth and experience. And I’m going to make a bet that your husband doesn’t want a pseudo or fake version of you – he wants you.

After all, he’s likely been with you through life’s experiences thus far, keep enjoying the journey together.

Complain. Nagging, bugging, complaining, are all a downward spiral. Once it begins, it snowballs. To change this, what’s your perspective on things – are you a half full or half empty type of man?

Work to become a half-full type of man.

Several years ago a research project was done by a university. The purpose of the study was to develop operational definitions for pessimists and optimists for use in textbooks, academic papers, and classroom learning.

The researchers scoured the globe searching for the most pessimistic and optimistic people they could find. Their objective was to bring test subjects back to the lab for further study. After a year of looking the team finally narrowed their search down to two 8 year-old boys.

Back at the lab two observation rooms were put together. The first room was filled with every kind of toy imaginable. The second room was filled wall to wall with horse manure. The boys were each placed in a room and their behaviors would be observed from behind one way mirrors.

The first little boy stood skeptically in the doorway of the room full of toys not sure if he should enter. But with a little prodding from one of the researchers who said, “Go on in, they are all yours,” he finally walked over to the first toy. What happened next shocked and stunned the researchers. Instead of playing gleefully the little boy systematically opened every single package in the room and rejected each of the toys in turn. The researchers heard him whining: “These aren’t like my toys at home.” “These toys will never work.” “Where are the video games?” “It’s hot in here.” “I don’t have any friends to play with.” The complaining went on and on until soon, exhausted from his own negativity, he sat down in the middle of the room and angrily shouted, “I’m bored and I want to go home!”

The researchers had been so mesmerized by this display of pessimism and negativity that they had almost forgotten about the second little boy who had been placed in the room full of manure. They quickly shifted their attention to the second room and peering through the observation window, were stopped in their tracks. They had expected to see the little boy sitting on the pile sad and crying. But instead, he was standing on top of the pile, wildly shoveling horse manure. To the amazement of the entire research team, he was animated, excited, alive, and happy. He kept digging and digging and shouting with glee. He was covered with manure from head to toe and he was ecstatic.

Cautiously, one of the scientists opened the door to the room and tried to get the boy’s attention. Finally, the boy stopped what he was doing, turned around, and faced the scientist. Looking with amazement at the manure covered child, the researcher asked, “Son, what in the world are you doing?” With that question, a huge grin crossed the boy’s face and with the same enthusiasm he had given to digging, he replied, “Sir, with all this manure, I just know there’s a pony in here somewhere and I’m going to find him!”

With that he turned around and continued digging.

This is an extreme example but it points out our tendencies at times.

How do you view the things currently in your life? At work? What about in your marriage? Sex life?

When there’s something you don’t like happening I’m not saying you don’t address the things that need addressing, just don’t complain about it.

Think of complaining as a rocking chair. It feels good and it may even feel like you’re doing something, but in the end you wind up no where.

A change in your perspective and attitude will help you feel more attractive – and, when this happens, you become more attractive.

Compare. In our society people (particularly women) are often objectified. Meaning there’s a certain look or feel that we should aspire towards. This is completely based on comparisons. And comparisons give way to competing against others and their perceptions.

Truth is, there is only one you!

So be you in everything you do.

Creating a life of contentment, gratification and confidence is the best way possible to discover your passion and share it with the world.

It’s the best way possible to create a great marriage, and even a great sex life.

The Art of Contentment is written by Corey from: Simple Marriage

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Source:The Art of Contentment

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5 Ways to Help Ensure a Happy Marriage

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

Couples/Engagement

This is a guest post from Ken Myers.

In today’s world, people get married for a variety of reasons.

Sometimes a couple really doesn’t put into perspective just how much work could go into developing a happy marriage.

Getting married for the wrong reasons could make the experience much more difficult to obtain happiness. However, this isn’t saying that it’s impossible.

Being a couple is about unity.You’re no longer separated by complete individuality but are together as something special and unique.

What can you do to help ensure the marriage is a happy one that lasts?

1. You Both Work Hard At It – Being a couple requires both parties to make commitments to the other person. It may take a great deal of patience in order to overcome some of the problems and frustrations that you can feel from the actions of your spouse. Keep in mind that your own behaviors may be just as annoying. By working together to solve these internal problems, you may find that team work is more ideal as you complement each other.

2. Experiences While Being Together – As time marches on, the unity will experience a great deal of life’s circumstances. Each situation can be examined as a couple giving you further insight into the capabilities of each other. This history that is being created can be looked back upon with pride as the two of you overcame those obstacles in order to succeed. Even current situations can benefit from past ones as long as you both are willing to learn together.

3. Pleasing Each Other – Although no one can truly make you happy as it’s a frame of mind that only you can control, there is nothing wrong with going out of your way to improve your spouse’s day. Many couples will go out of their way in order to bring a smile to the face of the other. However, this needs to be a give-and-take mindset. You shouldn’t expect your spouse to provide a method to brighten your day without it being reciprocal. Even a few simple kind words can alter the entire course of a single day.

4. Working To Improve Yourselves – Life is all about improving yourself through experiences. Being supportive of the improvements of each other can help the team as a whole. With each new development within yourself as an individual, you bring something new to the environment as a couple.

Although you need to work together as a unit, you’re ultimately responsible for your own self-improvements. You may be better suited to function as a couple if you know yourself as an individual.

5. Appreciate Your Marriage – Through hard work and dedication, you could build a lasting relationship that you could be proud of. The feeling of being part of a greater whole can make you feel like nothing is impossible. Appreciating each other for who you are as a couple can go a long way to creating happiness. With each new chapter of life, you read the book together and improve upon the strengths each provides.

Not every marriage is a perfect union from the moment you say, “I do.” Some are more haphazard than others. As long as you act as a unit and are conscious of the feelings of each other, you may be able to help increase the likelihood that your marriage will be a happy one.

Ken Myers is a father, husband, and entrepreneur. He has combined his passion for helping families find in-home care with his experience to build a business. Learn more about him by visiting @KenneyMyers on Twitter.

5 Ways to Help Ensure a Happy Marriage is written by guest from: Simple Marriage

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Source:5 Ways to Help Ensure a Happy Marriage

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Ask Me Anything … Answers

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Last week was an open mic format – I partnered with a Harvard-MIT start-up called Six Questions.

Now the answers to the top six questions are available.

So if you asked a question, or voted for some, or are simply interested in several 1 minute clips that will help your relationship – watch them below.

Ask Me Anything … Answers is written by Corey from: Simple Marriage

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Source:Ask Me Anything … Answers

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Positivity Again: Celebrating 30 Years

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wendyfranc This Monday is the 30th anniversary of my marriage to the guy I fell for when I was 19 years old.   I wept when I came across the first published piece I ever wrote among my father’s photos and memorabilia when I was cleaning out his home after his death.   This was a reader’s write column for the sun magazine, for which I won a year’s subscription.   It was 1988, the year our first child was born and I was 26  when I wrote:   “He laughs when he tells me, ‘so here you are married to the man of your dreams.’ He’s right, But I often forget that. The memory gets lost beneath the piles of dirty laundry, dirty dishes and frantic schedules. New baby and old family issues dominate the focus.  But every now and then, seeing his penmanship or looking at him reading across the room, behind his round metal rimmed glasses, I feel the young girl of nineteen who fell in love with him.  Grown up now, I fall in love all over again…But this love is a deeper one, born of all the efforts of conflicts resolved, communication achieved, joy and pain shared.  It’s a love that fills all of me and all of my life.”

I could have written those words probably every year since that first publication.   People often say of long  term happy marriages that we are lucky, as though there was some magical stars aligned in our meeting that guaranteed its success.  In fact, ours did not have an auspicious beginning, even our minister tried to talk us out of it.  But thirty years in, I have learned a little about making a marriage work and I was smart enough to build a company and public persona around my education so that I would not only remain dedicated to constantly remembering the man I fell in love with but also be both willing and more prepared to do the work to find that love over and over again.

Let me say this, it is way more work than it is luck.  Anyone who has the incredible fortune of loving over decades would tell you this.  One of the most intelligent things that Freud ever said is that “Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanity.”  I would say that they are one in the same.   Understanding love as the work we commit our lives to makes it easier to stay with it.   Too many people wrongly believe that  real love will always feel like the euphoric drug like state of falling in love.   The real work of love sometimes gives you a glimpse of  that sweet falling state, but it doesn’t come close to the sturdy foundation that real lasting love gives your life.

Here is my short list of what it takes to make love last:  Loving takes the courage to have the hard arguments while being committed to fighting fairly.   Love over time gives you the wisdom of knowing what is worth fighting for and how many small stupid things are not even worth caring about.   Love teaches you the maturity to listen more than you talk (one that I am still working on) but thankfully one that he has always had the grace to share.  Love teaches you the magic that caring more about what the relationship needs actually meets your needs more consistently than worrying about whether your needs will get met.

And sex, lasting love also thrives on the remarkable adherent substance of making love with one’s entire self, not holding back, not hiding anything.   This kind of raw, truly naked sexuality where our erotic selves have free reign emerges from doing all the other love work that a long term relationship requires-  showing up even when you don’t want to, listening more, disclosing more and giving up all your useless blaming thoughts.   At least this is what happened for us when we felt safe enough in the container of loving each other- we were able to let our mysterious sexual fantasies free which moved us squarely away form the monotonous short list of sexual behaviors we had relied on for decades into a free flowing and surprising passionate meeting every time.

Every card I write to my guy starts like this- Marrying you was the best single decision I ever made, and every year, I count the blessing of walking down this path of life with you at my side… This is what I would wish for everyone, this is why I go to work everyday- this is the real work of life that makes life worth living.

Source:Positivity Again: Celebrating 30 Years

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