Why Men Pull Away – Top 3 Secrets They Won’t Tell You

Dianne, a friend since high school, was distraught. She bugs me:  why men pull away, even when they say they love her?

 [Learn Why Men Pull Away CLICK HERE ] 

And why men pull away from the relationship after intimacy?

why men pull away- why are they not talking

Why can’t they just talk? Or, simply hold hands?

I gave her a quick, short  answer.

“I got to this site wherein a ‘bad boy’ by the name of  TDubb explained in video how a woman can capture or recapture the man of his dreams, how to keep him committed, and even marry her without resorting to gimmicks or threats.”

So, my short answer to her why men pull away when in love,  was to check out   TDubb’s Girl Gets Ring Video presentation, CLICK HERE  and find out how.

Dianne’s Background

Dianne had two previous relationships which didn’t work out well. Her first was with Bobby. They had one year of passionate relationship. She described it as hot, and cold,  “tumultuous”,was another descriptor she said.

When Bobby pulled away , Michael came. This time, she learned enough from her previous relationship.  But it didn’t last. They lasted three years, though.

Now, she’s with  Harry, for two years now. But, it appears they are heading in the same direction.

She can’t understand why Harry says he loves her, yet won’t commit to her, or propose to marry her despite the “all” that she has given to him.

Now, at 32, and her biological clock ticking away, she’s frustrated. She even began to have doubts about her self worth. And she’s desperately groping for answers … how she can keep her man.

Video – When men pull away or lose interest …

Six months later, she sent me this video. She appears very happy and fulfilled.

She finally met the man who’d die to be by her side. How did she do it?

Let her do the talking. So short, and sweet!

What was the “top secret” she found out?

My long answer why men pull away …

I started with a contentious bombshell.

In about 80% of the time, how a man loves you has nothing to do with with his willinness to commit to you, or marry you.

Did I hear howls of protests?

Many will agree or disagree with this statement.

Most men will agree, most women won’t.

See, the gender factor alone, tells a lot about how men and women think differently.

Over a cup of Starbucks, I explained to her three secrets men keep close to their hearts.  The funny thing is, most of them are not even aware of this.

Secret #1 – Men process their feelings in their guts, women, in their hearts.

Understanding this is crucial.

A simple solution is to always is to always keep the communication lines open.

Dianne protested.

“But what if he is the one who shuts the line off?”

I answered her with a question.

“Do you think that if he reacts that way, you can keep on keeping up with him?”

Then, I followed it up with this thought.

Men, typically won’t speak up unless they think of you as a confidante who can keep secrets, and not someone who will use the same knowledge to hurt them.

So, another thing to ponder is: how do you become a confidante to him? And in the process, how does he become a confidante to you?

Men have a mission in Life …

This is a very important concept. If there’s only one thins that you must remember, this is it.

Secret #2 – Men have this “mission in life” to fulfill”.

Most men are not conscious about this, but deep in their guts … they want to prove something to themselves. TDubb calls this the “hero avatar”.

This is probably, the primary reason why men won’t move up to next level of commitment.

Even if he’s had “everything” with you, if his gut tells him that you will make his load heavier on his journey to complete his “mission”, he will dilly-dally, or keep on vacillating.

So unless that he sees you and feels deep inside him, that you are THE ONE  who would lighten up his load and help him reach his “mission” in life … chances are that  he’d still pull away.

The Real Him

Secret #3 – Men are really soft inside, and they too, want to be loved for the “real him”, warts and all.

This is tricky.

At the start of any relationship, when men start to strut around you – they will usually put their best “mask” forward.

Men may buy you expensive gifts, and invite you to expensive dinners.  Men will want to impress you to get your attention.

But, if you already have given him your attention, and reciprocated your interest in him, he will then start to think about showing or revealing the real him for you.

The problem is, he may not yet be comfortable about this.

If he feels safe and trusts you enough, he will. If not, he will continue to wear his mask.

This question bugs him: What if you reject him?

So, if you keep on expecting that you go to fancy restaurants, be given fancy gifts, and fancy everything … he may start to think that you fancy him only because of the fancy things he can give.

This is a “yellow” light that may lead to a “red” light.

What to do?

When you eat out, offer to pay the bill. He will refuse this 95% of the time.

But, if you insist, and even “intercept” the bill … you send him a different signal that it’s not the “fancy” things that you like in him.

An easier thing to do is encourage him to take you to the less expensive restaurants in the likes of McDonald’s, Taco Bell, or Carl’s Jr. Or, suggest gifts that are meaningful yet not expensive.

Or time alone, when you can be intimate without necessary being physical.

It is  important that you  make him feel that it is “him”, that you really fancy. And not the fancy things that he gives you, which seldom lasts anyway.

This way, you are telling him that you like the “real him”.

Secret #4 – How not to make your man pull away …

Finally, I told her that there is a fourth one.

“A fourth one?”

Yes I said. Not only 4, but more!

You see, men, are like women. They are a complex creature.

“If you are really interested”, I said, “to understand men, and get the man you’d like to live with, and be married with in bliss till death do you apart”, I continued, “then, do your future family a favor.”

“What is it?”, she looked at me in anticipation.

Go to this free presentation by TDubb, and get his “Girl Gets Ring” system, Click Here.

If for whatever reason, you think that it is not helpful … you can easily return it, “ala-Amazon”.

Summary- Top 3 Secrets Why Men Pull Away

1.  Men want to be able to open up their deepest and most sacred thoughts to their girls “chaff and grain” together without getting “busted”.

2. Men have a “mission in life”. It’s up to you to make him feel that you can make his journey lighter. Or, heavier.

3. Men want to be loved and appreciated for the real him, and not the “mask” or front, that they wear.

When  Men Pull Away – Action You Can Take Now

Go to this free video training  training   and learn how capture your dream man, and make him feel glad, proud, and loved, you did. This  video could be taken down without notice.

Learn Why Men Pull Away
CLICK HERE 

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Healing Heartbreak From Within

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

moonresized“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…” -Nicholas Sparks

 

This month’s theme, focused on healing heartbreak, is deeply personal and yet, also profoundly universal. In this life dominated by relationships of all kinds- personal, familial, and professional, no matter where you fall in your level of engagement and vulnerability, no one gets out unscathed. I have long ascribed to the belief taught in many spiritual traditions that we are given our relationships as life’s most gentle and kind teachers. And yet, in the aftermath of broken relationships as we feel pummeled by betrayal, abandonment and broken promises, or conversely, drowned in the guilt and shame of cruelty and selfishness, our relationships feel like anything but teachers. Here is the thing, our suffering in relationships can only become our teacher if we are willing to get beyond the storyline of our broken heart and recognize the habits of our own unkindness. We have to dive into the heart itself.

 The truth is that as a race, we humans hurt each other frequently. In the extreme, without even getting into the massive violence of war, much of the personal violent crime reported frequently happens amongst people who were previously intimate. Certainly, the most devastating sexual and emotional betrayals happen for people who were once in love. Our capacity for cruelty is somehow heightened and more acute with those we once loved deeply. We hurt others in proportion to the hurt we carry inside of us. I have been working with my own recent experiences of abandonment and betrayal and as I have slowly gotten beyond the shame and suffering of the storyline. Digging into the heart of what happened in those relationships, I have come to realize that most of the pain that we inflict on each other is not malicious in nature; rather, it is a reflection of both the intense internal suffering that most of us walk around with and the utter lack of fluency we have for our internal emotional lives.

Love is in fact a game of skill, and relationships that last are constructed of action verbs, not the ethereal feelings we confuse with falling in love that come as quickly as they go. Truly loving people is an intentional decision we make every day, and if it has any legs at all it must begin inside, with a willingness to love and forgive ourselves first. While we all born with a seed of loving capacity, more frequently than not, we lack practice at feeling and identifying our own emotions and even more, so the ability to articulate them. Without emotional literacy it is easy to lose our way. Our courage to deal with the inherent weaknesses of our partnership is the heart work of engaging with the challenges of growing a relationship.

Even with emotional fluency, I often notice how easily I recede into deep self-doubt, questioning my own lovability with even the smallest reminders of my old friendships. It doesn’t work to ignore the triggered feelings of unworthiness either. Instead, I have to be singularly focused on being my own best friend. I talk to myself on the walks where I used to speak with her; of late I have even started singing my own name, like a chant calling myself back.

Extensive research has demonstrated that the single, most important attribute in successful relating is kindness; and it couldn’t be truer than with oneself. I have come to believe that being able to be kind to ourselves is the foundation of kindness we have for anyone else. In fact, until I was forced to truly become my own friend through the absence of these women, I never fully understood how valuable my own attention and kindness was- having always been so willing to give it away. It reminds me of my all-time favorite quote from the Buddha, “You, yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

Source:Healing Heartbreak From Within

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The Two Sides of Love

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

Hard_and_SoftThis past weekend a new feature was added to the Married Life 911 Course – a Personality Test that will uncover your personality characteristics and then discuss the strengths and weaknesses of your tendencies.

But that’s not the best part of this test, once both you and your spouse have completed the test and discovered your tendencies – you can then discover your relationship dynamic!

There are no other personality tests that I know of offering this component.

If you’re already enrolled in the course, simply log into the Dashboard and follow the link in the sidebar. If you haven’t joined yet, you can do so here.

One of the ideas covered in the results of this test involves the two sides of love … the soft side and the hard side.

So what does this mean? Glad you asked.

To create relationships that are both loving and healthy we need two things, which I call the soft side and the hard side.

The hard side means being able to

  • set clear boundaries
  • protect our personal space
  • take responsibility for ourselves and not for others
  • respond in a self-centered way
  • say no
  • make our own choices regardless of what others think
  • defend ourselves
  • maintain our personal integrity
  • go our own path in life

The soft side is about

  • opening up to others
  • feeling and expressing love
  • allowing ourselves to be vulnerable
  • healing past pain
  • releasing fears
  • surrendering and stepping into uncertainty
  • accepting what is
  • letting go of control and detaching from outcomes
  • feeling connection and oneness

The soft side is about trust, openness, unity and flow. It is a warm, fuzzy, peaceful, all-encompassing energy. The hard side is what enables us to delimit, separate, identify, define and choose. This is me, and this is you. Here is how far you can go. This is what I will not tolerate. This I want. That I don’t want. Here is my territory, and there is yours. This here is none of your business, and  that over there is none of mine.

We need both the soft and the hard facet of ourselves in order to maintain healthy and loving relationships. Both are important.

If you have the hard side and lack the softness, you will be great at delimiting yourself from others, at setting boundaries, saying no and doing your own thing, but you will also be emotionally closed off, out of touch with your heart, prone to trying to control external life circumstances and other people, stuck in fearful stiffness and feeling lonely.

If you have the softness but lack the hard side, you will be a wonderfully loving, caring, giving, lovely person, very open and warm, but you will also be a doormat who can’t say no, who gets hurt, takes on too much responsibility for others, feels guilty, permanently gives energy away, gets treated like crap and ends up totally depleted.

The hard and the soft side are no opposites. Being the one doesn’t mean you aren’t the other. You can be both really hard and really soft, or neither particularly hard nor particularly soft. Some people are neither very good at delimiting themselves and setting boundaries nor very good at opening up, expressing love or surrendering. So they end up both feeling fearful and disconnected, and having a hard time asserting themselves.

So it is not one scale with two extremes, but rather a two-dimensional model, with hardness and softness values being independent from each other. I suspect our hardness is what makes us impressive in other people’s eyes, and our softness determines how comfortable they feel around us.

This is only an intellectual model of course. Maybe it is artificial to express such complex things with a pair of numbers, but I find it quite useful. … I think the optimal place to be in is the point where we are both totally hard and totally soft.

Being both hard and soft is not a contradiction. Actually, I think that being the one helps us to be the other.

When we are able to set up a strong structure and know that we will always stand up for ourselves and make sure that our personal integrity is respected, then we feel safe, and can safely expose our soft underbelly and be gently loving inside of that structure.

The other way around, when we are able to open our heart, trust ourselves, others and the Universe, surrender to uncertainty and vulnerability, let go of control, and feel infinite love and connection to the whole world deeply inside ourselves, then it is easier to risk pissing people off, because we know deep down that nothing truly bad can ever result out of it.

In a way, both is about feeling safe – but in two completely different ways.

~ Originally posted by Rosine Caplot

The Two Sides of Love is written by Corey from: Simple Marriage

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Source:The Two Sides of Love

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Sexual Freedom: An Act of Courage

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

sexy4resized“The secret to happiness is freedom… And the secret to freedom is courage.” -Thucydides

 

Fear is the driver for many people’s sexual and erotic lives. One of Freud’s students, Otto Rank, was quoted as saying, “People vacillate between the fear of living and the fear of dying.”  In some ways, our fears about our sexuality encompass both. We are equally terrified of what might happen if we gave into our erotic fantasy life and that we might never experience the pleasure we know that we hold in us. Worse still, these invisible and unnamed fears not only strangle our own capacity for intimacy but also are the source of the harshest judgments we hold about the sexuality of others; often times, those we hold most dear. Whether rooted in religious teachings or our first family structures, our sexual fears are instilled in us early and, as we mature, often translate into deeply held inhibitions, which prevent us from evolving sexually.

In our sexual culture today this stagnant sexuality shows up not only as sexual frigidity, but even more frequently, as promiscuity. Even though we believe we are breaking our sexual inhibitions, promiscuous sex is actually bound to the fears that control us and ends up only feeding them. Having sex recklessly is harmful on many levels- rather than moving us towards what we really want, which is the basis of true sexual freedom, it keeps us entrained in reacting against what we fear. True freedom, sexual or otherwise, emanates from our hearts, and reflects back to us as the courage to be ourselves. Another way to think about freedom is as a form of authenticity, with both the clarity of mind and strength of action to back it up. And when it comes to sex, moving consciously from a resonant place of truth allows us to gently expand our boundaries of what’s possible and makes us more courageous with each act.

Courageously stepping into and exploring the meaning of sexual freedom is how we expand our past our inhibitions and redefine our boundaries, allowing our innate sexual curiosity to wake up. The more we tap into and act from this courage, the less we have to be afraid of. In the process, we discover not only an erotic capacity that we didn’t know we had, but a new relationship with pleasure.

Living a courageous sexual life doesn’t erase our fears. Rather, it creates a new and conscious relationship to our fears that heightens the reality of the present moment. Moving willingly into unknown spaces, whether through expanding into erotic fantasies or just deepening our capacity for sexual communication makes us truly available to feel and participate with our partners fully. Growing up and evolving sexually is about standing in our own courage. It is a clear path to the freedom it takes to make conscious choices about who, when, where and how we love.

Source:Sexual Freedom: An Act of Courage

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The Importance of Exercise for your Marriage

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

fitnesscouple

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Marc Zalmanoff of www.fitness-ninja.com.

Although dangerous, I would assume most educated people (i.e. you reading this right now) understand the benefits of regular exercise.

Primarily, it’s good for you but I won’t bore you with all the stats and details on this fact.

Did you also know that regular exercise can be an integral part of a long lasting, happy marriage as well? There is something to be said about taking care of yourself.

Since science has only evolved so much, the body you currently have is the only one you get!! And if you don’t take care of it, well, you’ll be living in the equivalent of a shack on legs.

Exercise makes you better, which is something I believe we should all be striving towards. You look better, you feel better, you hold your head a little higher, and internally you function at a higher level.

Oftentimes in relationships we look for ways to serve our partner, doing whatever we can to meet their desires and dreams. But if we don’t take care of ourselves first, how can we possibly handle the responsibility of another?

Please note: taking time to exercise is NOT a selfish act! In my personal and very biased opinion, it’s one of the best things you can do, and one of the most important ways you can serve your significant other.

By taking the time to take care of your physical body, you are showing your partner you care. You care to be healthy. To be around as long as possible. You show you want to be attractive for your partner, regardless of the aging process.

When you have children, you set a wonderful example of what a healthy couple looks like and why it’s important. You typically have less stress, and are able to deal with the stressor of everyday life in a much healthier way. And let’s be honest, when you’re in good physical shape, sex is just so much better!

Exercise doesn’t have to be an elaborate plan, just make time to do something regularly.

Plus, when possible workout with your spouse (word of warning guys, don’t try to train your wife…it never ends well!). It’s a great bonding experience and allows both of you to be vulnerable and struggle together. Which is another layer to create a healthy, BETTER, marriage.

Here is a simple workout you can do at home, with no equipment required. Using these 3 basic moves…squats, pushups, and situps…you can get an effective workout in just 20 minutes (and yes I realize it sounds like an informercial). Set a timer for 20 minutes. At the beginning of each minute, perform 5 squats, 7 pushups, and 10 situps. The faster you go, the more rest you’ll have in between rounds. Now go make it happen!

And if you’re interested in getting started on an amazing online 21 day program that covers numerous facets of health and wellness, both physical and mental, click here for details.

Aaannnddd GO!!

Marc “The Fitness Ninja” Zalmanoff has a Bachelor’s Degree in Kinesiology and has been in the fitness industry for the past 13 years. He currently operates his training business in Plano, TX, and offers online training and coaching as well. For more information about The Fitness Ninja and his services, visit www.fitness-ninja.com.

The Importance of Exercise for your Marriage is written by Corey from: Simple Marriage

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A FEW THINGS WE LOVE:

Source:The Importance of Exercise for your Marriage

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Beauty of a Woman Blog Fest 2015: Why We Need Sex Ed

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

This year, we’re excited to be a part of August McLaughlin’s Beauty of a Woman BlogFest 2015. Not only does this online event celebrate collective female beauty and sexuality, but readers of this blog are also invited to go forth to read, learn and discuss. Not to mention- you’re eligible for prizes! Check it out!

 

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“Concealment makes the soul a swamp. Confession is how you drain it.”  -Charles M. Blow

 

To my mind, the most powerful reckoning we make in this lifetime is with our sexual selves. Rarely are we privileged to bear witness to this process in others, even our most intimate others. So, when a NY Times columnist has the courage to  disclose how an act of childhood sexual abuse slowly evolved into a complex, yet healing journey to sexual identity, I am in awe. In part, because childhood sexual abuse is so widespread, yet remains cloaked in a silencing shame. It is hard to know whether it is the original event itself that damages so many lives so thoroughly or the fact that so many harbor this secret shame alone. I know that what we refuse to look at, what remains hidden inside of us, and what is beyond our ability to speak of and process, grows more malignant with each passing year.

The horrors of childhood prostitution, sexual slavery, and worse still, sexuality, used as a weapon in war zones across the world are all reflections of the deep and pervasive ignorance of what it means to be sexual. Sexual injuries are generationaland many, if not most, sex offenders, especially of children were once sexually abused themselves. Nelson Mandela might not have been talking about sex when he said, “Education is the most powerful weapon you can use to change the world.” Yet, there may be no place in the human psyche that this is truer. Until we replace the burden of guilt and shame with the light of education, we will never be free from the darkness that distorts the truth and beauty of what it is to be a healthy sexual human.

This work of sexual education belongs to all of us. The primary questions that we ask about being sexual are the same throughout our lifetime. Questions like, “Am I normal?” “What is true?” and “Will it hurt me?” begin with our first inklings of our sexuality and evolve as we age. Giving ourselves and the children we know honest and developmentally appropriate answers to these questions with real vocabulary based on anatomical information is the beginning of a healthy relationship to one of the central aspects of our humanity. Education is the means by which we give children ownership of their own bodies, as well as the language to protect themselves against inappropriate sexual touch. Imagine a kid speaking up to a neighbor or distant relative saying, “What are you doing, you can’t touch me there…” or having the courage to report the abuse to someone who could help them. This is how education frees us and changes the trajectory of an entire life.

It is not just children who need and deserve evolving sexual education. Even under the best of circumstances in a consensual relationship between loving adults, the power and complexity of our sexual drive can overcome and confuse us. Our deepest passions expose us to what is most raw and uncensored within us. Even after all these years with my husband, I find myself sometimes covering my eyes, unable to look at him after where our sexual selves have journeyed. We are never too old to grow up sexually. As with any area of knowledge, our ability to understand our sexual selves. As with any area of knowledge, our ability to understand our sexual experience deepens and becomes real through listening to our curiosity and responding to it with meaningful education. There has never been a time that healthier sexual information is freely available than right now. As with most education, it is usually not for lack of information and resources that we don’t learn, but for want of an open and curious mind.

Source:Beauty of a Woman Blog Fest 2015: Why We Need Sex Ed

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Focus on the how not the what

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

What is it that creates the intensity in certain conversations with your spouse?

What moves a conversation between two people from the issue at hand into personal meltdown?

Emotional reactivity.

But this isn’t all bad, emotional reactivity also turns out to be nature’s way of informing us of where we are on the path of emotional maturity (another way of thinking about growing up and differentiation).

One of the measuring tools for getting clear about how much growing up you have to do is time to reactivity – how quickly do you lose it?

How easy is it to push your buttons?

How many buttons do you have that can be pushed?

How often do you stoop to pushing your partner’s buttons – either to have it your way or just to keep them from having it their way?

Usually the issue (call it the what) triggers some difference between you and your spouse that creates tension – more for one spouse and less for the other. The more important the what is to you, the quicker you become emotionally reactive.

Your energy will be intensely focused on the outcome of the what – either by getting what you want, or by getting your spouse to validate your wants.

A major shift can occur when you “get it” – the what is actually an indicator of your emotional maturity.

At this point, you have two choices -

  1. use the issue as fertilizer to grow you up or
  2. bypass the opportunity for growth in order to stay comfortable.

It’s at this awareness level that you can turn your attention to howhow am I going to be in the intensity of this what?

To help, remember this:

  • Don’t attack.
  • Don’t defend.
  • Don’t withdraw.

If you can stay fully present and connected while under pressure, you’re on your way to some serious emotional growing.

A couple of caveats:

If you know you’re about to lose it, withdrawing may be necessary. In this case, it’s how you withdraw that matters. Tell your spouse what’s going on with you, what steps you’re going to take to be responsible for you, and when you plan to re-engage.

“I’m having a hard time calming myself down. I’m going to take a walk for 20 minutes. I want to finish this talk, but I want to do it from the best in me.”

Something to keep in mind – each person in a relationship has a range of positions about issues.

You want more sex – your partner wants less sex. You want to spend money – your partner wants to save money. You want a place for everything and everything in its place – your partner wants creative clutter. You may be neutral on some issues.

Think of these as high desire or low desire positions. In general, the one with the low desire has more control/power than the one with the high desire. If you’re happy with sex once a month and your partner wants sex three times a week, you get to have sex whenever you want it!

So the higher your desire about any issue, the more likely you are to be highly anxious and emotionally reactive over the outcome of the issue (the what). Read that sentence again.

This means that you have a greater responsibility to learn how to calm and soothe yourself around that what!!!

And if you’re the low desire partner on any issue, keeping yourself comfortable while watching your partner squirm is just another way the universe is trying to get your attention about taking your own shape.

(photo source)

Focus on the how not the what is written by Corey from: Simple Marriage

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A FEW THINGS WE LOVE:

Source:Focus on the how not the what

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Sex Without a Safety Net

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

sexy13“All serious daring starts from within.” -Eudora Welty

 

Sex has become the gateway meeting. Driven by phone apps and new social conventions of myriad hook ups as a way to “get to know someone,” sex- the deepest intimate connection we have to offer to another human being has been turned on its head and is now shared among much of the millennial generation with little more regard than a meeting for a drink. Sometimes, it starts with meeting for a drink- but by and large the idea of reserving the revelation of our sexual selves for the safe confines of an intimate relationship is passé. Being a mother of 4 young adults, I frequently witness the havoc that this new version of sexuality wreaks on the budding erotic souls of our next generation.

While in Germany last week at an international organic trade show, one of the young women, an organizer of the event jokingly shared about her Tinder meetings in Paris. “This is the only way you can meet people” she said. For those who don’t know Tinder, the popular global app in which with only a photo to go on, people search for sex with a stranger. I tried to hide my surprise and dismay as this beautiful, accomplished young woman made light of the meetings that didn’t turn out as expected, but the pain behind her laughter was palpable.

As all of the old rules and rituals about how sexual relationships begin, evolve and sustain themselves fade, many young adults are left to deal with the emotional repercussions of sex gone wrong- frequently. Given the high percentages of failed relationships they witnessed growing up, their distrust of old models of courtship and committed relating is understandable. And yet, our sexuality, the most mysterious and vulnerable aspect of what makes us human, needs a container of trust and intimacy to open itself.

The safety net that makes sex great is woven out of the daily and seemingly small interactions that allow us to truly know each other and build trust. Sharing meals, taking turns in getting what we want, listening to the other figure out their own thoughts all contribute to making that deep dive into the search for orgasmic release safe but still exciting. When we are truly held by someone who has proven they care, we can really let go and see what our erotic urgings are made of. Without this, it’s all for show- and in the end, often resembles some form of violation.

Worse still, repeatedly searching for what we want for our hearts with our genitals makes us untrustworthy to ourselves. This remarkably common form of self-abuse limits our sexuality instead of enhancing it. Mating rituals matter, they are not nothing, arguably, they say everything about how loveable we are. And, as we repeatedly diminish the essence of mating rituals we lose sight of our own true lovability. Except when you are young, you don’t know to call it by this name, which drives you to try again.

We need each other and we need each other sexually. But separating the two, behaving as if the sex alone will do, is harmful and damaging to our vulnerable erotic souls. Having the guts to build a safety net to grow up sexually is daring and bold.

Source:Sex Without a Safety Net

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Relationships are easy

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

DSC_8561Relationships are actually pretty easy.

I didn’t always believe this. In fact, I used to believe relationships are hard work.

I’ve written these very words many times.

You’ve probably even heard this phrase before.

It is often stated as a Truism in our society, and while I understand the sentiment … I’ve reached a point where I no longer buy it.

I do believe that relationships involve work, but hard work?

I’m not so sure.

I understand that intimacy in marriage challenges us in unique and specific ways, this is what makes marriage the people-growing machine it is.

But when I hear talk about the “hard work” required for a long-term relationship, I wonder if what they’re actually referring to is the difficulty of living with someone who’s immature or doesn’t live with integrity and authenticity.

Why would it be hard work to live with a mature, authentic grown up?

  • Wouldn’t you think people would treat the ones they love better over time, not worse?
  • Isn’t it logical to believe we’d be nicer to loved ones than we are to strangers?
  • Isn’t the idea of marriage to lighten our load, not add to our burden? And if it were the latter, why in the world would anyone sign up for something like this?

I fully get that we as humans all have flaws, and that our flaws and imperfections play out most in marriage.

Marriage is the playing field of the  “worst in us.”

The things like unrealistic expectations, avoidance, manipulation, pleasing, fear of intimacy, projection, and emotional reactivity.

But it is also these “worst in us” things that help create the people-growing machine of marriage.

At the same time however, I’ve seen some of the damage that can occur when people tolerate immature, angry, emotionally reactive, or unfaithful behaviors.

So how about this?

If your spouse is treating you badly, you play a role in it if it continually happens.

If you’ve been tolerating unavailability, or inconsiderate, hurtful, or even abusive behavior from your spouse, you’re partly to blame.

You’re either not leading, not setting boundaries, or you haven’t been willing to get to rejection. These are three essentials for a respectful, reciprocal, nurturing, and grown up relationship.

If you accept bad behavior from your spouse (and friends and family), you are likely to get bad behavior from them.

If you want a great relationship, you must stop “tolerating” anything less than loving, respectful behavior. Raise the bar, act accordingly yourself (i.e. be what you want to attract), and invite your spouse to follow you there.

If you want your marriage to keep getting better over time and lighten your load rather than add to your burden, you must take responsibility for both how you behave and for what behaviors you accept from your spouse.

At the end of the day, live according to this statement:

You teach people how to treat you.

Want more on this idea, we explore it and many other things in Married Life 911.

(photo source)

Relationships are easy is written by Corey from: Simple Marriage

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A FEW THINGS WE LOVE:

Source:Relationships are easy

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Testimonials – Hear what our clients and readers say about us.

Learn why men pull away, how to decode men, and know 3 secrets they won’t tell you! CLICK HERE

CA: Try just one call with Athol, and I can just about guarantee you that you will think he is damn near psychic.

He is incredibly easy to talk to, and his ability to identify things and intuit what is happening in yourself and your relationship that you would never pick up on yourself is staggering. I was gobsmacked at what he could cold read from my situation.

His time and knowledge is easily worth at least 10X what he charges.

If the time comes that I want counseling for any reason in the future, I will use Athol. One one hour session with him was far more effective than more than 20 counselor visits for me in trying to assess my marriage and myself and identify the true problems.

IM: The benefit I got from Athol’s coaching was not creating a to-do list and checking in every week on the to-do list. The benefit that I got from Athol was from his experience and intuition. Athol helped me see what is keeping me from meeting my potential socially and professionally and develop a strategy to remove these barriers. As with everything it takes practice and I am a work in progress. I am in a better place now, it does not matter if my relationship succeeds or fails I am confident that I will be happy either way because I have the sense that I am knocking down the barriers that are holding me back. I am very excited about the future.

MN: Coaching with Athol changed my life. I’d stalled on my master’s thesis and was miserably frustrated with my wife and myself. What Athol did was untangle a lot of day to day frustrations and unfinished work in both my house, day job and thesis. I got useful direction on what to focus on. I didn’t just get coached, I also felt mentored, which made a huge difference. Now I have a completed thesis and a better marriage.

N: Athol’s book has put my marriage into perspective. I no longer feel as if I have been taken hostage by my wife. I have been given a box of tools that give me the skills to approach the problem of not getting what I want in a positive and constructive manner. It also gives me the courage to acknowledge if I should continue or not. No more panic.

JQ: Athol, I think your books have a NYT Best Seller potential. Universal theme, easy to follow advice.

JH: Athol, I just wanted to let you know I have had phenomenal results taking your subtle suggestions… It is almost comical how well a few subtle changes are working. She is coming up to me in the middle of the day and showing affection. Complementing the way I look. These are a little out of the ordinary for the previous months. I am very pleased. She is extremely happy.

MF: You had said to me last summer that the energy blockage was all the way back there, with the failure to complete a degree. You could not have been more accurate. Within a week of learning his final grade he replaced the leaky faucet, made repairs in the bathroom, purged his wardrobe, wrote letters and on and on. It was amazing. When he finished a switch flipped and he’s not only soared on his own, but is actively moving into a leadership position without our relationship.

SM: Hi Athol, thanks for the summary! The coaching session was superb. I just finished reading the Primer and now I’m starting the MAP book. Gosh, I should have read these books 5 years ago.

SA: Do coaching if at all possible. Puts your MAP on steroids!

PT: Literally within the first 15 minutes of the first call Athol was able to point something out to me I had not considered an issue. He also gave us a tool to use that has been very effective at getting our marriage back on track.

SA: So far this whole MAP process has been really positive for me and it really has brought into focus areas that I need to work on. I know this whole experience will be well worth it for my marriage, my family, and most importantly myself. I am really looking forward to starting my 12-Week coaching program!

MS: It is my highest compliment to Athol Kay to say that coaching with him averted the divorce that appeared inevitable on the horizon. Out marriage has improved markedly since the low-point in Fall 2013, and continues to progress on a upward trajectory.

LL: Athol gives me a very clear action plan and very situation specific advice. As an aside, Athol has miraculous language translation gift and can understand woman brain as much as a woman. Men, and women, if you are confused, call Athol and he will set you straight. Athol doesn’t hold punches, but what everyone needs is to be told the truth. It’s the only way you can actually change what’s wrong.

JB: We made the move, we are in the new house, and we had sex in the hot tub. Things between us in our marriage are really good. I am am fairly sure that without the resource of MMSL and the coaching with Athol Kay we would not be in this place.

MA: My book is out. I’m a published author. Little happy dance. A huge thanks to Athol Kay, I doubt lazy me would have had enough confidence and tenacity to publish had you not encouraged me.

PI: Athol is really a wonder worker. Right now I’m dealing with a FIL who’s been hospitalized for a month with post-surgical delirium, a dying cat, an off the charts PA boss, chronic instability in my employer’s funding, a teething one-year-old and a stubborn preschooler. And that whole wife with no libido thing. After a call with him I feel pretty chill and positive about the future. I’ve said it before: I’m pretty sure he’s a witch.

AV: I’ve been mapping for 18 months or so, and gone from virtually nonexistent (1X year) to 6-8 per month, which is amazing, all by itself. Thanks Athol.

LV: I started my coaching sessions last fall, just wrapping up my 12-Week session last week. The improvements in not just my relationship with my wife but in my LIFE are nothing short of remarkable- because really, that’s what you’re working on with this program, with Athol’s coaching. You’re not trying to fix her, or even the relationship. You’re fixing YOU- and that affects everything you do. Athol’s got a very clear-cut approach to it as well- what are the biggest things you need to work on this week? What will give you the best return on your efforts? Focus on those few things this week, and see whether that focus needs to be shifted next week. More importantly, at least to me, is that he’s looking to give you the tools you need to do the work you need to be doing. His coaching disrupted the slow downward spiral I was on, and showed me how to start climbing again. This was well worth the investment of both money and time- I don’t feel that I need it anymore, but if I did, I’d sign up for another round of coaching in a heartbeat and I would STRONGLY recommend it to anyone who even thinks it might possibly be helpful for them. Do it. You won’t regret it. And you’ll learn how to make your life, yourself, better.

PB: Call. Athol. Now. It is so worth it. He saved my sanity.”

AB: Nowhere, in all the counselors and therapists and pastors we’ve talked to, has anyone given me anything to hold on to that kept me from drowning in hopelessness. You reached out in the coaching sessions and gave me tangible help, something to get up each day and do, that was more than theory and ideals and moralizing.

RH: If you find yourself “stuck” in various facets of your life, consider using the 12-Week MAP as a jump-start. It is a multidisciplinary, tailored approach that is accessible to anyone. As a coach, Athol will hold you accountable each week as you jointly set goals. Having gone through the program, don’t be surprised if you find the “attraction” part of the plan working on people besides your intended target, if you have one. As you follow through with your goals you will slowly gain the conviction that things will work out, thought it may not be in the way you expected. Very highly recommend for people in all sorts of situations.

KM: Athol is very insightful. He has cut through all the details of my complex situation, and analyzed what I need to work on. Sometimes his advice has surprised me. For example, one of my first assignments was to replace doors in my home that had been damaged by my ex-husband. Once the new doors were installed, I realized how those unpleasant reminders of the past had been draining my energy away from building a new life with my new husband. I also appreciate Athol’s tactful honesty. He was frank about how unattractive my “nice girl”/doormat behaviors are to a man…without hurting my feelings.

LI: The book is exactly what I need right now in my life. It has specifically helped me to see ways in which I am the vampire, not just the victim. Humbling, but truth often is.

WE: I think the advantage of the MAP book is that it saves you a whole lot of forum reading. This forum is pretty vast and can be a huge time sink for a newcomer. The book really focuses everything quite well on what matters for a plan of action. Also, I am into bullet points and steps and such, so I liked the quick pace.

SR: I’m exhausted from marathon sex last night!

Source:Testimonials – Hear what our clients and readers say about us.

Want to make your man commit willingly, gladly, and not pull away? Go CLICK HERE

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